Wednesday, September 4, 2019
I wish to apologize for my behavior last week. It was the drugs. I had knee surgery and was recovering at home with the help of some rather potent pain pills. I often have strange reactions to medications. My wife Susan left the house for a couple of hours and during that time I think I got confused on the dosage and accidentally doubled (tripled?) the meds. Soon I was feeling very strange.
My memory of the afternoon is fuzzy, but here’s what I’ve been able to reconstruct.
Glancing down at the morning paper I saw a picture of Donald Trump and instantly decided that I had been misjudging the guy. He wasn’t the sociopathic nitwit I’d thought he was. No! He was a greater president than Washington, Lincoln, and FDR combined. He was my hero, my new role model.
Hobbling to the closet I searched for my longest red necktie. I remembered that I don’t own any neckties, but I did find my wife’s red bathrobe cord, which took a Windsor knot nicely and hung to my knees. Power tie!
Hair was a problem. I don’t have much. But a ball of orange yarn and some Elmer’s Glue took care of that. I snapped a selfie and sent it out over social media with the caption, “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!!”
I felt omnipotent, brilliant, incapable of making a mistake. Other people’s ideas and feelings became meaningless because other people are always wrong if they disagree with me. Only I matter.
The neighbor’s Chihuahua walked past our window just then. “Go back to Mexico!” I shouted.
“I AM THE CHOSEN ONE,” I yelled, then added, “I think I’ll buy a country.”
I decided on Sedro-Woolley because I’ve always liked the name. If anyone were to suggest that Sedro-Woolley is a town, not a country, I’d remind them that everything I say or do is right. If I say it’s a country, it’s a country.
I immediately tweeted, “I’m going to buy Sedro-Woolley. It is of great strategic importance. It is the Chainsaw Carving Capital of the Pacific Northwest. So unfair! I’m bringing the Chainsaw Carving Capital back here to Whatcom County where it belongs! NOBODY values chainsaw carving more than I do!”
Everything got really blurry after this, and the next thing I remember is that Susan was waking me from my comfortable reclining position on the kitchen floor.
“What’s been going on here?” she asked, looking concerned. “Why is my bathrobe sash around your neck and why is yarn glued to your head? And apparently a little while ago you texted your cousin Audrey and told her to go back to where she came from. She says she doesn’t want to go back to Idaho because it’s full of Nazis and Trump supporters.”
I explained that I thought I’d taken too many meds.
She made a cup of coffee for me, then checked our computer and phone messages. She didn’t look happy.
Apparently the mayor of Sedro-Woolley hadn’t taken my offer to buy the town seriously and had made a jocular response. I, in turn, called her a very nasty person and a loser. There was also a call back from a local construction company saying they couldn’t quite follow my phone message about building Cranky Tower in Sedro-Woolley, and they were really confused about my comment that I was planning on stiffing them for the work.
I had then emailed many of our oldest, closest friends and said rude and insulting things to them.
“Why would you deliberately alienate our friends?” Susan asked. “It’s crazy.”
“Well, I was crazy. But, I must say, it did fit right in with the afternoon’s theme.”
And here’s a little confession I must make. When I said that I won my last election by the biggest margin in the history of elections—that wasn’t true. My last election—my only election—was for middle school vice president, and Shirley Polinski beat me by 127 votes. I voted for her myself. I had a big-time crush.
If there’s anybody else out there that I need to apologize to please let me know.
Since all this happened I’ve purchased one of those little plastic boxes for organizing pills, and the sores on my head have started to heal from an allergic reaction to Elmer’s glue.
Man, the way I was acting—can you imagine anyone crazy enough to behave that way all the time?