Alan Rhodes

Buying Sedro-Woolley

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

I wish to apologize for my behavior last week. It was the drugs. I had knee surgery and was recovering at home with the help of some rather potent pain pills. I often have strange reactions to medications. My wife Susan left the house for a couple of hours and during that time I think I got confused on the dosage and accidentally doubled (tripled?) the meds. Soon I was feeling very strange.

My memory of the afternoon is fuzzy, but here’s what I’ve been able to reconstruct.

Glancing down at the morning paper I saw a picture of Donald Trump and instantly decided that I had been misjudging the guy. He wasn’t the sociopathic nitwit I’d thought he was. No! He was a greater president than Washington, Lincoln, and FDR combined. He was my hero, my new role model.

Hobbling to the closet I searched for my longest red necktie. I remembered that I don’t own any neckties, but I did find my wife’s red bathrobe cord, which took a Windsor knot nicely and hung to my knees. Power tie!

Hair was a problem. I don’t have much. But a ball of orange yarn and some Elmer’s Glue took care of that. I snapped a selfie and sent it out over social media with the caption, “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!!”

I felt omnipotent, brilliant, incapable of making a mistake. Other people’s ideas and feelings became meaningless because other people are always wrong if they disagree with me. Only I matter.

The neighbor’s Chihuahua walked past our window just then. “Go back to Mexico!” I shouted.

“I AM THE CHOSEN ONE,” I yelled, then added, “I think I’ll buy a country.”

I decided on Sedro-Woolley because I’ve always liked the name. If anyone were to suggest that Sedro-Woolley is a town, not a country, I’d remind them that everything I say or do is right. If I say it’s a country, it’s a country.

I immediately tweeted, “I’m going to buy Sedro-Woolley. It is of great strategic importance. It is the Chainsaw Carving Capital of the Pacific Northwest. So unfair! I’m bringing the Chainsaw Carving Capital back here to Whatcom County where it belongs! NOBODY values chainsaw carving more than I do!”

Everything got really blurry after this, and the next thing I remember is that Susan was waking me from my comfortable reclining position on the kitchen floor.

“What’s been going on here?” she asked, looking concerned. “Why is my bathrobe sash around your neck and why is yarn glued to your head? And apparently a little while ago you texted your cousin Audrey and told her to go back to where she came from. She says she doesn’t want to go back to Idaho because it’s full of Nazis and Trump supporters.”

I explained that I thought I’d taken too many meds.

She made a cup of coffee for me, then checked our computer and phone messages. She didn’t look happy.

Apparently the mayor of Sedro-Woolley hadn’t taken my offer to buy the town seriously and had made a jocular response. I, in turn, called her a very nasty person and a loser. There was also a call back from a local construction company saying they couldn’t quite follow my phone message about building Cranky Tower in Sedro-Woolley, and they were really confused about my comment that I was planning on stiffing them for the work.

I had then emailed many of our oldest, closest friends and said rude and insulting things to them.

“Why would you deliberately alienate our friends?” Susan asked. “It’s crazy.”

“Well, I was crazy. But, I must say, it did fit right in with the afternoon’s theme.”

And here’s a little confession I must make. When I said that I won my last election by the biggest margin in the history of elections—that wasn’t true. My last election—my only election—was for middle school vice president, and Shirley Polinski beat me by 127 votes. I voted for her myself. I had a big-time crush.

If there’s anybody else out there that I need to apologize to please let me know.

Since all this happened I’ve purchased one of those little plastic boxes for organizing pills, and the sores on my head have started to heal from an allergic reaction to Elmer’s glue.

Man, the way I was acting—can you imagine anyone crazy enough to behave that way all the time?

Alan Rhodes can be reached at: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

Past Columns
The Lilliputian Gazette

November 20, 2019

Election Elucidations

October 15, 2019

Rescued by Rachmaninoff

July 17, 2019

Hurrahs and Harangues

May 8, 2019

Ranting and Raving

March 6, 2019

Bellingham 2050

February 13, 2019

Looking Backward

January 2, 2019

Joy to the World

December 19, 2018

A Second Spring

October 3, 2018

Dog Days Deliberations

September 12, 2018

Mr. Cranky’s Files

July 11, 2018

Can We Talk?

June 20, 2018

Midnight Musings

May 16, 2018

April Fools

April 4, 2018

Rollo and Me

March 7, 2018

Egregious linguistic offenses

February 14, 2018

Events
Today
Holiday Festival of the Arts

10:00am|Bellingham Public Market

Miracle Pop-Up Holiday Cocktail Bar

4:00pm|Swim Club

Holiday Pet Food Drive

10:00am|Whatcom County

Deck the Old City Hall

12:00pm|Whatcom Museum's Old City Hall

Coffee Brewing Class

2:00pm|Camber Coffee

Group Run

6:00pm|Skagit Running Company

Splitboard 101

6:00pm|REI

Sparkling Wines

6:30pm|Cordata Community Food Co-op

Celtic Christmas Concert

6:30pm|Anacortes Transit Shed Events Center

Marina Albero Trio

7:00pm|Sylvia Center for the Arts

O Christmas Tea

7:30pm|Mount Baker Theatre

Tomorrow
Holiday Pet Food Drive

10:00am|Whatcom County

Deck the Old City Hall

12:00pm|Whatcom Museum's Old City Hall

Giving Tree

9:00am|Village Books

Holiday Festival of the Arts

10:00am

Holiday Favorites

12:00pm|Whatcom Museum's Old City Hall

The Naughty List Market and Cabaret

2:00pm|Broadway Hall

Miracle Pop-Up Holiday Cocktail Bar

4:00pm|Swim Club

Songs of Peace with Kulshan Youth Choir

5:30pm|First Congregational Church

Bellwether Premiere Wine Social

5:30pm|Lighthouse Grill

Holiday Party

6:00pm|Camber Coffee

DSA Movie Night

6:00pm|Academic West

Winter Pop-Up with Taylor Shellfish

6:00pm|Aslan Depot

Peaceful Poetry Reading

6:30pm|Village Books

Shrek the Musical

7:00pm|Burlington-Edison High School

Balkan Folk Dancers

7:00pm|Fairhaven Library

Storm Music Extravaganza

7:00pm|Mount Baker Theatre

Treasure Island

7:00pm|Sehome High School Theater

Peace, Love, and Ukuleles

7:00pm|Bellingham Unitarian Fellowship

Avalanche Awareness

7:00pm|Backcountry Essentials

History Holiday

7:30pm|Whatcom Museum's Old City Hall

Good, Bad, Ugly

7:30pm|Upfront Theatre

Crazy for You

7:30pm|Bellingham Theatre Guild

Number the Stars

7:30pm|Anacortes Community Theatre

A Christmas Carol

7:30pm|Sylvia Center for the Arts

Friday
Holiday Pet Food Drive

10:00am|Whatcom County

Deck the Old City Hall

12:00pm|Whatcom Museum's Old City Hall

Giving Tree

9:00am|Village Books

Holiday Festival of the Arts

10:00am

The Naughty List Market and Cabaret

2:00pm|Broadway Hall

Miracle Pop-Up Holiday Cocktail Bar

4:00pm|Swim Club

Treasure Island

7:00pm|Sehome High School Theater

Shrek the Musical

7:00pm|Burlington-Edison High School

Crazy for You

7:30pm|Bellingham Theatre Guild

A Christmas Carol

7:30pm|Sylvia Center for the Arts

Number the Stars

7:30pm|Anacortes Community Theatre

Wild Things

9:30am|Connelly Creek Nature Area

Toys for Tots

10:00am

Pacific Arts Market

10:00am| Sunset Square

Holiday Tea

11:00am|Willowbrook Manor

Holiday Craft Bazaar

3:30pm|Lynden Library

Drayton Harbor Shellebration

4:00pm|G Street Plaza

Gingerbread House Making

4:30pm|Ferndale Library

Christmas on the Docks

5:00pm|Cap Sante Marina

Photos and Stories with James K. Papp

5:00pm|Gallery Pegasus

Wonderland Walk

5:00pm|Washington Park

Valley Made Holiday Market

5:00pm|Maplehurst Farm

Kids Night Out @ Western

6:00pm|Western Washington University

Lost Feast

7:00pm|Village Books

Honk! The Musical

7:00pm|Bellingham Arts Academy for Youth

Darkness and Light

7:30pm|St. James Presbyterian Church

Narnia the Musical

7:30pm|Claire vg Thomas Theatre

Christmastime is Here with Skagit Symphony

7:30pm|McIntyre Hall

Tarnation and Holiday Games

7:30pm|Upfront Theatre

see our complete calendar »