Alan Rhodes

Decline and Fall of the Trumpian Empire

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

The following is taken from the high school history book The Story of the American Nation, 8th edition, 2040.

By mid-2018 circumstances were worsening for President Donald Trump. The House and Senate on both sides of the aisle had largely turned against him, as there was no one left who had not been alienated by abusive presidential tweets. Trump’s base was also dwindling as former followers began realizing they’d been hoodwinked. Many of Trump’s most ardent supporters were deserting him, including former KKK leader David Duke, who distanced himself from the president, saying, “He’s getting so unstable that he’s giving white supremacy a bad name.”

In addition to these problems, the list of people who had attended the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya had grown to 26, including several former KGB officers, a few Russian tycoons with business ties to the president, a half-dozen Moscow developers, assorted Russian mafia members, Julian Assange via Skype, Vladimir Putin, and President Trump himself.

Meanwhile, the Mueller investigation was continuing to uncover, on an almost hourly basis, evidence of various conspiracies, intrigues, cabals, money-laundering schemes, tax dodges, election tampering and under-the-counter financial dealings.

Trump’s cabinet members were also leaving him. Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, for example, departed the cabinet after a dramatic press conference in which Trump once again insulted her husband during a stream-of-consciousness diatribe on all the people who had let him down. Trump said of Senate Majority Leader McConnell, “He’s got wimpy shoulders, shriveled cojones and he really does look like a turtle.” Chao punched the president in the stomach, choked him with his unusually long necktie, then kicked him repeatedly as he fell. Rescued by Secret Service members, Trump complained, “So unfair. She sucker-punched me. In a fair fight I could have cleaned up the Rose Garden with her.” He then launched an unsuccessful investigation into Chao’s citizenship status.

Secretary of Defense James Mattis and National Security Advisor H. R. McMaster were among the few Trump appointees who remained. Much later Mattis was to explain, “He was getting loonier by the minute and we were terrified of what he might do, so we stayed around to make sure that everyone understood they needed to check with us if this whack job tried to push any buttons.”

Given that most of Trump’s staff and cabinet had resigned, and since Trump was usually at one of his golf resorts, the White House was by now largely deserted. A presidential aide saw nothing out of the ordinary when, on June 7, 2018, he found the presidential bed hadn’t been slept in when he carried in Trump’s usual daily breakfast, nine jelly doughnuts and a bottle of Yoo-Hoo.

It was first assumed that the president had left late in the evening for Trump Tower, having frequently characterized the White House as “a real dump.” Concern grew, however, as the day progressed. Trump could not be located at Mar-a-Lago or any of his other clubs and resorts. Worries deepened when the president’s son-in-law Jared Kushner reported that his wife Ivanka was also missing. “She said she was going to a strategy meeting with the president,” Kushner reported, “and that I shouldn’t wait up.”

As weeks passed with no sign of either the president or his daughter, foreign leaders with strained relations with the United States began hinting at reconciliation, psychotherapists reported a significant drop in the number of people seeking help, deaths from opioid overdoses decreased by 47 percent, and those close to First Lady Melania Trump noticed a buoyant cheerfulness that she had not displayed for years.

As the ninth week of the disappearance neared, the president and his daughter were finally located. The CIA determined that they had slipped away on the presidential yacht and were now living in the country of Vanuatu, a pleasant South Sea destination with beautiful beaches and no extradition treaties with the United States. Much of the Trump fortune appeared to have gone with them.

Vice President Mike Pence served out the remainder of Trump’s term, and then ran for the office himself in the election of 2020, selecting Alabama’s Roy Moore, the famous “Ten Commandments Judge” as his running mate.

The Pence/Moore ticket won by a narrow margin in an election characterized by gerrymandered districts and voter suppression in which it was estimated that 74 percent of all minorities were prevented from casting ballots.

The Pence administration is the subject of the following chapter “The Handmaid’s Tale.”

Past Columns
Mr. Cranky’s Files

July 11, 2018

Can We Talk?

June 20, 2018

Midnight Musings

May 16, 2018

April Fools

April 4, 2018

Rollo and Me

March 7, 2018

Egregious linguistic offenses

February 14, 2018

Sharing Beauty

December 13, 2017

Subdued City Shakespeare

October 25, 2017

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