Childfree Living

No kidding around

By Amy Kepferle · Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My sister has four kids. Her fecundity was so overpowering that the only way her childbearing years could be left behind was for her husband to get snipped below the waistline. Still, she couldn’t be happier. She’s a multitasker who manages to hold down a full-time job, raise her progeny and, in the meantime, run marathons.
I am not my sister. At 41, the ticking of my biological clock has become a muted whisper and, truth be told, it’s not something I spend a lot of time agonizing over. I don’t know that I ever made the conscious decision not to procreate, but I do know that I don’t feel like the odd woman out.

Ellen Walker knows what I’m talking about. In fact, she’s so confident she made the right life choices she wrote a book about it. I Don’t Have Kids! The Guide to Great Childfree Living is the result.

“Five years ago I got involved with a man who has grown children,” Walker, 50, says. “It would’ve been the last possible moment I could’ve been pregnant. Seeing him interacting with his kids pushed a lot of emotional buttons. Was I missing out? I questioned the whole thing carefully. I knew if I had so many doubts, perhaps other women—and men—did too. I wanted to write it as a way to explore my own process, but also to help others find a sense of peace about it.”

To get to the heart of the matter Walker, a practicing psychologist, interviewed about 30 men and women, including couples, who told her how they arrived at their decisions not to make child-rearing a part of their lives. Some had been ambivalent, but others had tried without success. Some of them knew from the get-go they didn’t need a suburban house and 2.5 kids to be happy.

“One of the things several people told me was that they made it a goal to spend as much time as possible with children for a year,” Walker says. “They put themselves in family situations so they could experience what it was really like. Was it fun, or were they thrilled to get out of there as fast as possible? I think sometimes people idealize what having a kid is really like, so this seemed like a very practical way to make a decision.”

In her book, Walker also urges those facing the kids-or-no-kids conundrum to look at practical matters. How much will having rug rats cost? Are you prepared to do what it takes to support them? How much time can you commit to spending with them? How will it affect your career? Do you see having children as something that must be done to meet the pressures of society or is it something you’re truly passionate about?

“There’s so much to consider,” Walker says. “I think it’s important when you don’t have children to recognize what you do have: free time and lots of emotional energy. How do you want to live your life? What do you want to leave behind? If you skip the childbearing chapter, it’s important to fill it up with something that’s equally rich and meaningful.”

I’ve always told people that if I change my mind about wanting kids, I’d consider adoption. I don’t think that’s going to happen, though. I’m too busy enjoying what I do have. Besides, my sister has already done what it takes to populate the world with our family’s gene pool.