Mr. Cranky Plans His Year
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Here we are in a brand new year. I just filled in my 2020 daily planner, noting the holidays and celebrations I want to either celebrate or boycott. I’ve listed a few below. All of these are actual events. If you have doubts about the existence of any of them, Google it, ye of little faith.
Opposite Day, January 25. Originally evolved from a children’s game, on this day you do everything just the opposite of what you would normally do. This year I’ll be writing a lavishly complimentary letter to State Senator Doug Ericksen, spending the day at Bellis Fair Mall, wearing a MAGA hat, and eating all meals at Sadighi’s.
Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, February 1. About 60 years ago Florence Rappaport of Rochester, New York founded this important tradition. Thanks, Florence, you are a great American. OK, Mallard Ice Cream, get those doors open by 7:00am and have the coffee brewing. Here’s hoping you’ll have my three favorite flavors of breakfast ice cream: turmeric, black sesame and jalapeno.
Proofreading Day, March 8. Rather obviously, this is a day to sharpen up our proofreading skills so we don’t let careless errors find their way into our writing. I think this is a very goon idea.
Audubon Day, April 14. Seriously for a moment (only a moment, I promise), this Audubon Day I would like to be celebrating a victory: news that the City of Bellingham has purchased the land adjacent to the Post Point Heron Colony so this local treasure will never be endangered by development. Come on, City, get it done.
Sunscreen Day, May 27. The aim of this day is to encourage the rigorous use of sunscreen to reduce chances of skin cancer. I don’t know who started it, but it probably wasn’t anyone from the Pacific Northwest. Given the amount of rainfall around here, I still haven’t used up the tube I bought in 1998.
Daylight Appreciation Day, June 21. We are encouraged on Daylight Appreciation Day to, well, appreciate daylight. It was started by Solatube, a company that makes solar lighting tubes. I don’t celebrate holidays founded by commercial enterprises. I’ll stay in the basement that day in protest. Besides, June 21 falls on the weekend. It will be raining.
Clerihew Day, July 10. Ah, one of my favorites, commemorating the birthday of Edmund Clarihew Bently, creator of the Clarihew, a four-line (AABB) poem that pokes fun at a well-known person. I’m already composing poems for my annual Clarihew party. For example…
Eyman wants to be Governor Tim,
A prospect exceedingly grim,
His quest is certain to fail,
And by that time he could be in jail.
International Beer Day, August 7. It seems like this should be a high holy day in Bellingham, where microbreweries are popping up so fast that one day they may exceed espresso bars and pot stores. I admire a city that respects the essentials of life.
National Clean Up Day, September 19. This day is all about beautifying the country by picking up litter and trash. I would like to expand its scope to include demolishing really ugly buildings. For openers I nominate Seattle’s Museum of Popular Culture. Here in town my first choice is the Eagles lodge on Forest Street.
World Smile Day, October 2. The purpose of this day is to spread joy and put smiles on people’s faces wherever you go. That’s a lovely idea, but there’s a problem. This observance was the brain child of Harvey Ball, creator of the Smiley Face, that insipid little yellow circle with the black dots for eyes and the stupid, annoying smile. I hate the Smiley Face. I hate Harvey Ball for creating the Smiley Face. I make it a point to look grumpy on this day and wear a Frowny Face button.
Presidential Election Day, November 3. By mid-evening on this momentous day, I hope to be celebrating the fact that a vast majority of American voters decided that it was not a good idea to reelect a mean-spirited, vile, ignorant, dangerous, bigoted, sociopathic lout.
Christmas, December 25 (like you didn’t know). I love the Christmas season. As an agnostic I can enjoy all the festivities without feeling guilty about not going to church.
Whoops, I’m almost out of space and haven’t even gotten to Grilled Cheese Day, Lost Sock Memorial Day, Squirrel Appreciation Day, or International Dog Biscuit Day. So many celebrations, so little time.