Corona Days, Corona Daze
Wednesday, May 27, 2020
Since I work from home (if you can call what I do work), sheltering in place is not a problem. My only contact with outsiders is a trip to the grocery store, which I call my hour of living dangerously.
There’s a lot of routine to my life these days. Every morning I turn on my flashlight and shove it as far down my throat as I can get it. The president suggested that ultraviolet light might cure COVID-19, so I’m giving it a try. I’m not sure if my flashlight is an ultraviolet model, but this must be working because I feel fine. Except that my throat really hurts all the time. If I actually do get the virus, I’ll follow each flashlight treatment with a glass of Clorox.
Following the flashlight regimen, it’s breakfast time. Since I limit my grocery store exposure to twice a month, if I run out of something I just make do. We were out of milk this morning so I had Hawaiian Punch on my Rice Krispies. The only other options were Coke Zero and Worcestershire sauce. The Hawaiian Punch wasn’t great, but I certainly wasn’t going to eat dry Rice Krispies. I’m not an animal.
After breakfast I do my chores. Being home all the time I get a lot accomplished. For example, I recently alphabetized our canned vegetables. We didn’t have a full 26-letter assortment of veggies, and I hate unfinished projects, so I went online and ordered the missing varieties. Now we’ve got the works, from artichokes to zucchini. I hate canned zucchini.
A couple of days ago, as I was lining up my shoes in the closet by date of purchase, I started worrying that I might run out of projects. Fortunately, at that moment I spotted on a top closet shelf my old Dymo Label Maker that I bought in 1973.
Nothing in this house is labeled, I thought. Let’s get to work!
This will come in handy if I ever slip into dementia and can’t remember what things are. My wife suggested that the fact that I’m labeling chairs, lamps and appliances might be a sign I’m already there. I thought this was a very bad attitude. I put the labels in inconspicuous places, of course. The label that says “Refrigerator” is on the inside of the refrigerator and not on the door. I’m not an idiot.
My chores take me to lunchtime. We were out of mustard but it turns out that lemon curd isn’t all that bad on hotdogs, and at least the color is sort of right.
For my postprandial activity I work on my book. I’m putting together an anthology of the stupidest things people have said during this pandemic. There is tough competition from such luminaries as Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, and Tim Eyman, but Whatcom’s own state senator Doug Ericksen was not about to be left out. Medical experts say that in order to get a handle on this virus we need widespread testing followed by contact tracing to locate those who might have been infected. Doug, sensing something sinister was afoot, saw right through this nefarious scheme and sounded the alert: “Now the deep state is proposing Communist Chinese style, freedom destroying, liberty crushing techniques to fight the Communist China Virus.” Wow! You’ve outdone yourself again, Dougie Boy. You never disappoint.
During the day I set my television to record news programs and presidential “briefings.” After dinner I get out my Winky Dink screen for my evening entertainment. If you’re too young to remember Winky Dink, he was a 1950s TV cartoon character. You could send away for a piece of clear vinyl that stuck to your TV screen and some special crayons. If Winky Dink got into a bind and needed, say, a ladder, you could draw it for him. I wisely held onto my Winky Dink screen. Now I freeze-frame shots of Donald Trump on my television and add my own embellishments, such as Mike Pence mooning the president, or Dr. Fauci hurling a scalpel at his head. Recently I captured a good side view of Trump and I drew a hose connecting his ass to his brain. I think this is where he gets all his ideas.
Even though I’ve kept busy during this partial lockdown, I’ll be glad when things get back to normal. I really miss my croquet league and playing music with my amplified ocarina quintet.