TGIO (Thank God it’s Over…Sort of)
Wednesday, January 20, 2021
Whew! At last! Joe Biden is sworn in as the 46th president of the United States. After four disgraceful years we have dumped a deranged cult leader and now have a real president again.
The Trump regime has been so irredeemably incompetent, racist, criminal, destructive and downright psychotic that I’m starting a campaign here and now to have the word trump removed from the English language, as well as any word containing the consecutive letters t, r, u, m, p. This will be a simple process. We’ll just replace trump with a new word. I recommend jaglok. Since I just made up the word, it has no negative connotations.
Fortunately, there aren’t that many words containing the trump letters, so this will be relatively easy. In the future we might hear people say such things as…
Man, that Miles Davis plays a mean jagloket.
I’ll bid four, no jaglok.
Wow, look at those beautiful jagloketer swans.
The sheriff railroaded Archie on jagloked-up charges.
This new system gets a bit awkward when the trump letters occur internally in the word, but the only word I can think of where this happens is strumpet. This is not a problem because nobody uses that word anymore. It’s unlikely you’ll hear anyone say something like “Mitzi seduced Thelma’s husband, the cheap sjagloket.”
My hunch is that as the word trump begins disappearing from the language, and as history takes a hard look at the nightmare of the Trump presidency, people named Trump will start changing their last names. Jaglok probably won’t be a popular substitute, as most people will opt for the more conventional Smiths, Browns and Pienkowskis. In a happier future nobody in the world will be named Trump except Donald and his horrible children. Before long the name Trump will become a universal symbol of evil, with Donald’s moniker joining a roll call of such nasty characters as Hitler, Caligula, Pol Pot, Jack the Ripper, Stalin, Charles Manson, Bernie Madoff, and Doug Ericksen.
Since Trump is mortal—though he doesn’t seem to think so—someday he will pass on, tumbling down through the gates of Hell. I’ve been thinking about this lately while rereading Dante’s Inferno. Dante pictures Hell as a descending series of nine circles. Each reprobate is placed in the circle that best fits his particular sin. Into which circle would Dante plunk Donald? Let’s take a little tour of the underworld. We’ll skip Circle 1, Limbo, and go straight to number 2 where the fun begins.
Circle 2, Lust. Yep, Mr. “Grab ‘em by the pussy” is a shoo-in here.
Circle 3, Gluttony. Absolutely. Just take a look at the guy.
Circle 4, Greed. Whether it’s stiffing subcontractors or demanding to be president after losing an election, Trump might as well have greed tattooed on his forehead.
Circle 5, Anger. You’ve seen the tweets; you’ve heard the rants.
Circle 6, Heresy. Since he seems to have himself confused with God, he’ll fit in here just fine.
Circle 7, Violence. Just recently Trump incited a crazed mob of his cult followers to attack the Capitol of the United States. Case closed.
Circle 8, Fraud. A slam dunk. His entire presidency has been a fraud.
Circle 9, Treachery. Well, obviously. He’s spent the last four years betraying the very foundations of democracy.
Each circle of the Inferno has its own unique punishments, so where should we plop Don? If Satan is open to receiving amateur advice, I’d recommend bouncing Trump around randomly through all the circles for all eternity. For example, after he spends a little time frozen in ice down in Circle 9, he can be whisked up to Circle 7 to thaw out for a while in the river of boiling blood.
OK, enough of these idle amusements. Don, it’s sayonara time. It’s over, we’re through. At first you were good comic fodder, but that didn’t last very long. As you’ve gotten crazier and crazier and really dangerous and destructive, you’ve ceased to be entertaining. I realize that your megalomania and narcissism are so severe that you’ll try to stay in the spotlight, but since you’ll no longer be sowing national and international chaos from the White House itself, I think from now on I’ll try to ignore you as much as I can, although I’m sure you’ll try to make that as difficult as possible.
All right, America, let the jaglokets play songs of joy. A new day begins.